News Trend What Joanna Taught Me |Actual

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends." -Keanu Reeves

"People in grief need someone to walk with them without judging them". -Gail Sheehy

It was on a sunny January afternoon last year near their home in Michigan's Upper Peninsula that my friend Joanna's parents were out cross country skiing. They were happily swooshing along through the magical winter wonderland when in an instant, Joanna's father dropped dead into the snow.

In that same instant, Joanna's life was painfully, unpredictably and irrevocably changed.

Her father was gone. Snapped away in an instant and sent straight to heaven, no doubt.

And what was left behind to fill his enormous place in her life and in her heart was grief.

I'm not talking about "Take a few days off till after the funeral and here's an extra box of tissues tut tut you know he loved you dearly" type grief.

What Joanna experienced was a kind of grief that overwhelmed her mind, shattered her heart, and seared her very soul.

Some days she wept endlessly..

Some days she experienced physical pain and exhaustion

And despite her profound passion for running her own care-giving business, some days she simply could not bring herself to get out of bed and go to work.

Joanna grieved deeply.

And this was not some two-week crying binge. As the days rolled into weeks and months, this grief settled into Joanna's life, some days allowing her to function almost normally and other days drowning her in a sea of sorrow.

To be sure, Joanna received lots of support from family and friends. Her husband and young daughter especially loved her and cared for her and accepted her intense grieving without question.  Joanna's faith was strong and she knew God loved and cared for her dad and for her too.

But the grief did not let up.

Hungry for understanding, Joanna decided to learn more about grief. Digging into the internet, she read and shared and shared and read. I eagerly pored over her posts, and the message I took from them sounded like this.

Grief is brutal.

It's okay to not be okay.

Take care of yourself.

Joanna found comfort in those ideas, and they helped her cope.

* * * * *

Now, here comes the interesting coincidence.

A few years earlier, Joanna and her staff had cared for my mother during a crucial season in my mother's battle with Lewy Body Dementia. During that time, Joanna helped me to find new insights into my mother's illness and taught me how to walk alongside her with peace and calm.

Joanna played a key role in helping me find the gifts of my mom's deterioration, and with her guidance, I found much light and love in the midst of that terrible disease. And now with her dad passing just three months after my mom, Joanna was opening my heart and mind to a new understanding of grief.

But here was my struggle.

My grief was nothing like Joanna's grief.

Rather than crashing waves of overwhelming emotion and physical pain, my grief was the tiniest of ripples on a small, still pond.

Rather than disrupting my daily work routines and dropping me into an exhausted heap of tears, my grief was a quiet hum that kept me quietly going about my business.

Rather than aching from the absence of my mom, my grief was lit with thanksgiving and relief that her long ordeal was over.

Rather than longing to take care of myself, my grief was soothed when I took care of others first.

All of this was extremely different from what I'd been learning about grief. And I could not help but think I was doing something wrong.

I worried that I was in denial about my grief.

I worried that I didn't have any grief.

So I scrolled through Joanna's posts again and again, trying to figure out what I was doing wrong. In time, a subtly different message emerged:

Grief can be brutal...or it can be gentle.

It's okay to not be okay...but it's okay to be okay too.

Take care of yourself...whatever that means to you.

And now I was able to cope.

* * * * *

What I understand now is that grief is as individual as a fingerprint.

Grief can be a raging storm or a single raindrop, or anything in between.

Grief can be a howling wind that turns you upside down and inside out or a quiet whisper, or anything in between.

Grief can turn you inside yourself and slam shut all the windows and doors or it can move you out into the world with your arms open wide, or anything in between.

* * * * *

What Joanna taught me about grief is that there is no one way to grieve, there is no wrong way to grieve.

All that matters is that we open our hearts and minds to our grief and let it have its way with us, so that we can learn and grow from our loss.

News Trend March For Our Lives|Actual

This was my favorite poster. WAKE UP, AMERICA.

Today I walked in the Seattle edition of the national Parkland student-led March For Our Lives.

Though my early childhood was colored by civil rights marches and Vietnam war demonstrations, this was my very own first formal peaceful protest. Bucket list checked, for sure.

And while I found the emotion and community spirit of the experience to be deeply moving, I wasn't at all surprised by that. This is Seattle, for heaven's sake, where personal expression and social compassion are our stock and trade, where democracy is freely exercised and lovely manners prevail.

I smiled as the crowd broke into unrestrained applause as we passed police officers protecting us from traffic at major intersections; I grinned and waved as the monorail train drove by overhead, the friendly horn tooting to greet us as we marched along underneath.

Establishing commonsense gun control laws is an idea whose time has come. The Parkland students have mobilized themselves, their fellow students, and a goodly percentage of the American people to stand up and absolutely demand that our lawmakers address this issue. And I believe that with the power of today's national demonstration, we have achieved a tipping point. It's simply a matter of time before officials who resist change are voted out. And with forward-thinking businesses stepping up to invoke their own commonsense policies around gun sales - I'm looking at you, Walmart, Dick's Sporting Goods, and Fred Meyer - the tides are already turning.

Which leads me to consider the next facet of gun violence - one that is very real and very personal for me - that I hope our national conversation may soon be ready to address.

Consider Emma Gonzalez's words today, at the front of her profound address at the Washington DC protest:

"Everyone who has been touched by the cold grip of gun violence understands."

If you haven't seen the full video of Emma's six and a half-minute speech,

check it out. You will be moved.

My guess is that Emma was thinking about the people who stand on the receiving end of the bullets:

those killed or injured,

those traumatized from witnessing and watching,

their families and friends,

their communities,

those who worry that they might be next.

And yes, those people hold a special bond of fear and powerlessness and horror that the rest of us can only begin to imagine. I honor and respect what they suffer.

But with her words, Emma spoke a deeper, more powerful truth than she may have realized.

Someday, we need to expand our conversation to consider those who pull the trigger.

Because despite all the ugly talk about monsters and terrorists and deranged social misfits, the shooters are human beings. The cold grip of gun violence destroys their lives too, as well as the lives of their friends, families, and loved ones.

I look forward to the day that our culture develops a clearer understanding of the horrific power guns have over everyone involved in these shootings, and we learn to embrace the fact that gun violence is always a two-sided tragedy.

News Trend Making Friends|Actual

Even when we are back at home, Gracie is always on the lookout for someone new to meet.

Snapping out of a daydream in the midst of our walk, I suddenly realized that Gracie had rounded the corner ahead of me and was heading into the busy high school drop-off and pick-up area on her long, long leash.

Quickly I stepped to my right to improve my sight line around the corner, and breathed a sigh of relief. The sidewalk was empty. Yet Gracie was standing stock still, all alone in the middle of the waiting area, staring at a lamp post and ever so gently wagging her tail.

Hmm,.That was a little weird.

As I came closer, I realized I was missing a key bit of information. Standing on the far side of the lamp post, hidden till now from my view, was an older teenage boy. He was slim as a wisp, though even from a distance I could tell he was obviously more mature that the typical harmlessly rowdy mid-teen; he had the sullen sulk of a full-on 18 year old senior. Dressed in black from head to toe, he wore a heavy puffer jacket on a warm spring day. His hood was pulled up and his face shrouded in shadows; he topped off the look with a pair of dark glasses. He leaned slack against the lamp pole, looking just as withdrawn and antisocial as an angsty teen can possibly look.

And there stood my big red shaggy dog, right up in this bad boy's bubble, calmly gazing at him in obvious delight and wagging that cheerful red tail.

I scurried up, looping up the extra length of rope as I prepared to apologize. But before I could speak, the young man broke the silence.

His clear tenor voice sparkled with delight. "I saw your dog come around the corner on that long rope but I didn't see you at the other end. I thought she was all alone. She's so nice."

Well.

Gracie continued to stand and wag, close enough for him to reach out and pet her, though he did not.

"Thanks," I said. "You caught me by surprise."

He smiled. Then I smiled.

And Gracie gave him one last friendly glance, then turned and headed off down the sidewalk, in search of her next new friend.

News Trend Self-Care|Actual

Also I do not skimp on soaking up the spring blossoms.

Take care of yourself with that Bell's palsy, they tell me.

Honestly, I don't really know what that means.

But here's something I do know. With a paralyzed face, I have to move slowly in the shower.

I make sure the shampoo doesn't drip into the corner of that unblinking eye. Slowly, carefully I run a warm washcloth over the cheeks and brow with my untrained left hand as my right hand holds the left eye closed. I move gently and carefully so as not to flick water into an eye that doesn't know how to protect itself.

After the water stops, my newfound patient and slow rituals continue. I towel carefully around my unblinking eye, gently pat down my unmoving face, brush hair and teeth gently, carefully slip fresh clothes on.

In a final concession to my palsied condition, I pull back my hair into a low and soaking wet ponytail, then slip my black pirate eye patch into place. It?S a visually jarring addition to my peaceful routine but I've come to love that patch. My eye is well protected.. I feel safe for the night.

I slip into my bed. The room is dark and very chilly. I tuck my legs up against my faithful dog who snores sleepily from her nest at the foot of the bed. She has already warmed my comforter. My husband is long since asleep. I lay my neat wet head on the pillow, tuck my hands under my cheek, and feel the cool breezes blow across my shoulders.

I consider pressing play on my current audio book but decide to skip it. Everything is perfect peace right now and I hate to disturb it. I take a long last sip of ice water, relishing every delicious drop.  I know that I will wake up many times in the night, thirst crazed by my medications, and drink ravenously, but for now, this sip is perfect.

Now I am ready to sleep. .

And while I can't be sure, I think I have taken good care of myself.

* * * * *

Here are all the stories about my Bell's Palsy, in order from start to, hopefully, finish:

Bell's Palsy

Self-Care

Six Weeks In

Done With Bell's Palsy

News Trend Bell's Palsy|Actual

Happily, in spite of Bell's palsy, spring goes rolling along and so do I.

Woke up Monday morning drooling on my pillow.

Never a good start to a day.

Brushed my teeth and drooled some more.

Something is definitely wrong.

Looked in the mirror.

My face was, for lack of a better word, crooked.

Unsymmetrical, puffy and misshapen

Eyes twitching, mouth carved into a sneer.

What in the heck is going on?

Twenty-four hours later, I had some answers.

Bell's palsy

Temporary paralysis on one side of my face.

Facial nerves from chin to forehead are inflamed and irritated, and completely shut down.

Caused by close association with invasive viruses, such as chicken pox, shingles or herpes.

But I have had none of that.

A disease that is not common but not terribly rare.

Taking steroids to heal the nerves and wipe out any intrusive virus.

Biggest risk is to my eye that cannot close - call in the artificial tears and eye patches

This should all be over in a week to ten days.

Bell's palsy.

Well. Isn't life full of interesting little surprises.

* * * * *

Here are all the stories about my Bell's Palsy, in order from start to, hopefully, finish:

Bell's Palsy

Self-Care

Six Weeks In

Done With Bell's Palsy

News Trend The Day I Changed|Actual

Most - if not all - women have a moment like this, an instant in their lives when their sense of self is rewritten and their self-image is forever changed. This is how it happened for me.

* * * * *

My cousin, Sharon, and me on the Thanksgiving of my fourth-grade year.

I felt endlessly chic in that plaid coat and the double strap Mary Janes. Was I already fat?

My nine-year-old self woke up on a cold winter Monday in Michigan. Weak and worn after a two-week bout of pneumonia, I still felt far too exhausted to face the day. But my mother pronounced me ready to return to school and cheerfully commanded me to get out of bed and dress.

I dragged myself upright, pulled on my favorite fourth-grade outfit: a long-sleeve mustard store-bought mock turtleneck, and a cranberry corduroy skirt. My mom had made the skirt, as she made most of my clothes, and I had picked the pattern featuring a single triangular pleat in front, and the corduroy fabric. I wore a lot of corduroy, but this was a special blend of wide wale and standard width wale alternating in thick and thin fuzzy stripes.

I loved that skirt.

My stylish ensemble usually filled me with confidence but on this morning it did not work its usual charm. I stumbled from my room, and drooped to the table where my mom was setting out breakfast. I still hoped she might take note of my listlessness and tuck me back into bed, rather than marching me off through the snow to the school bus. But she was all systems go.

"You'll be fine," she announced as she cleared away my dishes.  I stood up to go get my snow clothes on, and she surveyed my outfit approvingly. "You look very nice."

Then, with unmistakable excitement in her voice, she added, "I think you've lost some weight! Your skirt looks so much better on you now."

And suddenly, I was very, very confused.

I knew I had been seriously sick. Besides missing two full weeks of school, I'd taken a lot of medicine, undergone multiple chest x-rays, and spent countless hours in bed, too weak to even haul myself to the couch for reruns of Andy Griffith and Bewitched. I'd heard the concern in my doctor's voice as he had quietly conferred with my mother, and I knew she had worried about me too.

Yet now, she seemed almost happy that I'd been sick. Whatever I had been through, however awful I still might feel, was I to understand that it had all worth it because I'd lost weight?

Did I need to lose weight?

Had I been fat? Was I still fat?

Why had I not known this about myself?

This was the day I began to feel shame about my body.

This was the day I began to worry about my weight.

This was the day I started feeling fat.

And this was the day I began to believe that suffering was the price I was required to pay in order to not be fat.

* * * * *

I don't blame my mother for this. I later learned that she and I come from a long line of body-shamers, strong German women who mistook their broad shoulders and strong hands for clumsy, unattractive girth. We are not pretty, dainty ladies, my maternal bloodlines subtly preached to me; we are big and fat.

News Trend Midnight Snacks|Actual

You should know that as this sandwich was being prepared, I foolishly left the butter on the counter and turned my back. In a heartbeat, Gracie leaped up and snatched the golden cube; in a second heartbeat I commanded her to drop it. She did. After inspecting the butter to find only the tiniest of tooth marks, I rinsed it off and used it anyway.

I am passionate about my midnight snacks.

Well, I'm a firm believer in home-cooked meals at all times of day.

And because my body clock works on a delayed sleep schedule, my daytime meals are very light, and I'm up for many hours after dinner.

So a warm, satisfying bite to eat around midnight is a necessity for me.

Lately my obsession has been a grilled cheese sandwich.

Now, I've been churning out these classics for decades, and usually my goal is to elevate the ingredients.

Wheat bread loaded with nuts and seeds or sourdough, tangy and crusty.

Sharp cheddar or smooth Monterey Jack, stringy mozzarella or pricey provolone.

But lately, I'm all about the low-brow basics of buttermilk white bread and American cheese.

I know.

So salty and processed and utterly unhealthy.

But when I cook one of these babies up, savor every heavenly bite, and lick every last buttery crumb from my fingers, I have no regrets about my midnight snack.